I heard we made out
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
