i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
