My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
