he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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