I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
