The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
