I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
