You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
