i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
