Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
