Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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