Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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