perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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