never play flip cup with pint glasses
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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