you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
