it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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