Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
