She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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