gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
handjob tips. give me some.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
