I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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