She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
