so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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