I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
