I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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