Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
is that a dick in a sweater?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
