Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
