Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Couch. On fire.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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