I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
