I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
