why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
