i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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