Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
my liver is dry heaving
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
