you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
