Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
