By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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