Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My ATM looks so different sober.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
