Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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