Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
