i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
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