I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
