You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
