Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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