i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
try to milk me bitch
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