It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
