do herpes really smell.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
