He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
being pregnant is like rehab
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
