I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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