look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Send help, water and tortillas.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
