i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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