tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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